i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The best revenge is premature balding
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
