just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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