That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
