i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
