I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
