i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
