He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
