I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
