Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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