Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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