just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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