I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
