Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
