Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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