I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Found the puke drawer
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
