Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
