return my video game
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
