In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
