If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Randomize
