ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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