Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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