Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
