i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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