At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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