living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
