this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
