ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
