Need sex. Gaining weight.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i've created a new STD.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
