i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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