life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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