quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
