When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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