Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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