There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
