I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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