community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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