Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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