She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
