You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
