I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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