My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
