ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize