Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
