Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
