i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Is Oprah even human
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
