she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
