every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Randomize
