I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
