john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
