What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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